"Expect the Unexpected"

"Expect the unexpected." People always say this like it's some kind of amazing philosophical statement, but I'm pretty sure it's just a nicer way of saying, "Realize nothing works out exactly as you think it should." Life is pretty much not what we think it should be. Goodbyes don't last long enough, hellos are more awkward than we want them to be, people get married, boys don't come back home, you get sick at inconvenient times, bridges are closed, you fall asleep and end up missing something, you meet someone new and even better, you end up liking Spring even more than Fall, pain heals, and you start wanting different things. And it's okay. It works out, because in the end, every morning you wake up is another day that you're alive, and all it takes is breath for life to go on. And that ends up meaning just enough.

I've been feeling desperate for summer for several weeks now, but now that summer is here, I still feel a little desperate, but I'm not sure what that means. I know I wasn't just waiting for school to end. I was hoping that once it did, life would feel a little more right, but that doesn't happen over night, apparently. So much is uncertain right now, which I'm starting to be okay with. I'm trying to grow in to this idea of a life uncontrollable. I'm trying to grasp that whatever I think will happen is probably not going to, because I spend so much time analyzing the details but missing the big picture, and then the details don't add up and I get confused, because hey, I planned everything flawlessly. But it doesn't happen that way. It's okay, Niki, it's okay. It has to be. You'll still wake up in the morning.

There are certain things I expected of this summer, certain things I still expect. But already I realize summer won't be like I thought it would be. People that I thought might be important won't be, and others will be. Interests are dropped. Opportunities come and go. I change my mind. That's life, and this is it.

I guess I expect the unexpected.

A Woman Not Ready

It was dark when she heard the news
From a mouth on a face on a man on a couch
Putting two and two came as a surprise
And a few weeks later it's still wrong in her mind

She withdrew and people noticed but
No one said anything; well, some complained
But they never really thought to ask
Or think about home

She didn't feel ready but it didn't really matter
Because it was going to happen anyway
And it seems selfish to protest such a "good thing"
But some say timing counts too

And the woman didn't know what to do
Or who to tell but a book
Which listened well but never spoke
And she couldn't sleep but no one noticed that

She sighed and stared and said "that's strange"
And in the mirror she saw a quiet girl
And she listened to the same songs
And she realized she wasn't ready but she had to get that way

Starbucks, anyone?

I've never been a a Fellowship service in my life, so I definitely can't say I know anything about the church firsthand. I know a ton of people who go there, and they seem like great people, but for some reason this new building feels strange to me. I really can't judge the people or the place or the goals, and I'm not trying to point at them negatively at all, but knowing today was the first service in the castle has made me think about some things. Maybe these things apply, maybe they don't. Doesn't matter.

I was writing in "The Journal IV" last night, and whenever that happens and I'm not at school it's pretty much stream of consciousness. I wrote about my Friday night (mentioning Andrew, Tad, and Steven), and I mentioned the new Fellowship building and then found myself writing, "The Church (the people of God) should be ashamed when they embrace excess." I saw the building with Steven a few weeks ago, and I just felt shocked. Cafes, huge TVs, lights, couches, vending machines, sound equipment, etc, etc, etc. A part of me wondered how much is necessary for teaching people about God, and how much is just...excess -- comfort items. Why are Christians not more broken by homelessness and sickness and cold and hunger on the streets? I guess we just don't think about it, because we're really comfortable in our 11a.m. services.

This is when I start to think about my own church, which is also building. We have four huge HD TVs on the stage, and all they do is sit there and show one word. It's excess. No one is drawn closer to God by the presence of nice TVs. But maybe someone would be drawn to God is we put those TVs in someone's house, or if we spent the money paying a family's rent for a month or two.

Saturday morning around 3:30a.m., I wondered what would happen if every middle class white person in America gave $10 to Africa, or China, or something. That could literally change the world forever. That would save thousands of lives. But you know, I enjoy going to Starbucks twice a week and spending those ten dollars there. I think I deserve it. You know, I even think it's necessary. Psh. Excess. Not me. Not you. Not the Church. [rolls eyes]

I was facebook-ing Craig through my blackberry while I was at Rave today watching Prince Caspian (excess conviction -- I'm down to $1 for Starbucks. Dang it.). We were talking about growing up and having jobs and money and things like that, and I made the comment that it's ironic how we go to school to get jobs and make money, but even when we have jobs and money, we are rarely happy. He said, "That's because people want more to have more, not to give more," and that's pretty much the greatest thing I've heard in a long time. It's so true, and it is so pathetic. We suck at life, that's what I think.

And what's really sad is that I still plan on going to Starbucks before school tomorrow morning for my Grande White Mocha with the non-fat milk and Allen's Hot Chocolate and Ashley's Tall no-water Chai and Dad's Grande Mocha...

Conviction runs deep, doesn't it?