I definitely didn't expect to be here a year ago. Honestly, I didn't expect to be here a month ago. It's crazy how fast things change, how things you felt so sure of can collapse right under you and leave you devastated, confused, and completely aimless. That's exactly where I am right now. I feel a powerful emptiness inside me, and it's crippling. As I get older, various disappointments in my life seem to cary more weight, and I experience pain at higher degrees each year it seems. I can't say that my life's not blessed, because it is. But I can't say I'm happy, either. In fact, I've never been further from happy. I don't understand it, but the paradox of my life right now seems to be that I live a blessed life many would die for, but I feel miserable. I know things don't work out and that all things work for our good. I know sometimes we need moments of pain to bring us closer to Christ and to remind us that we aren't in control. But over the last year I have simply been overwhelmed by just how many low points I have had to face, how many disappointments have slammed into me and stolen my breath. And every time I stabilize, another wave crashes over me and I lose my footing.
Coming home for the holidays means answering a lot of questions -- "Hey, how have you been?! How's college? Have you made a bunch of friends? Are you and that guy still together?" I wish I could answer all of these questions with a genuine smile. Instead, I push through it and wait for the chance to escape and get away from everyone I just lied to. The truth is, I'm doing terribly. I hate where I am. I feel alone all the time, and the relationships I poured myself into didn't work out for reasons even I don't understand. I have no vision for where I want my life to go. The things I hope for feel so out of reach. And I'm really not sure how much longer I can go on feeling this way. I feel crushed, heavy, broken. And I feel so messed up for feeling this way, because I know I could have it worse.
Everything inside me is screaming. And I could say a lot of wise words right now to reassure everyone that I'm doing okay and that I'll pull out of it soon, but those words would be misleading.
1 comment:
been there. recently, too. let yourself feel it all. that way you can remember how bad it was when you finally pull yourself together. that's really all i got. and prayer.
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