Whenever I read through Old Testament history, I am struck by Israel's lack of faith. Without fail, God will prove himself completely reliable, and by the next chapter Israel is freaking out, complaining, and worshiping idols, chasing after security and provision and blessing like God won't come through. Often, I think about this cycle and I feel superior. I fool myself into thinking I'm always full of faith and trust and focus. But there are other days, like now, when I'm humbled by the reality that I'm no better than the wicked, faithless Israelites from thousands of years ago. My faith is just as faltering. I feel it and I see it and I am broken beneath it.
Today I connect so deeply with the story of the Israelites wandering in the wilderness and God's provision of manna, for several reasons. The people of Israel where in the middle of a transition-- they had left their slavery but had not yet been delivered into the Promised Land. I feel like I'm in a similar place. I've been rescued from some bad circumstances and pulled away from some things, but I've not yet found a place to reside, so to speak. This can be applied to my studies, my relationship situation, my finances, etc. I know the Lord is leading me, but I have no idea where, and like the Israelites I am proving both impatient and faithless. When the Lord provided manna for His people, it was an incredible, miraculous provision. I can relate to that. I have seen God come through for me in countless ways. So many prayers have been answered. But just like the Israelites did, I find myself scrambling around, complaining, trying to stuff manna in my pockets for tomorrow and waking up to find it rotten. For God has commanded His people to trust in Him, not simply His provision, and God will never provide so much that it diminishes our need for Him.
I feel like I'm walking around carrying fistfuls of rocks-- in one hand desperation and one hand anxiety. Although I know the common phrases, like, "Lay down your burdens at the feet of God," I'm finding it to be incredibly difficult to actually do the things we so often say. I can't seem to empty either hand, and I'm running around like a fool, scared out of my mind that God won't come through for me, growing weary and consumed by my weak thoughts. I let lies stick to me, and I can feel in my spirit the separation it causes between myself and God. When you enter into the presence of God, either His truth will overtake the lies you believe, or you will choose to let your lies block out His voice. In order to be carried by God's grace in these situations, I have to release my steady grip on the things that tie me to the ground, and that is what I am struggling with. I can't seem to unclench these fearful fists, for in them I find some sense of security (false though it may be).
I hear and I claim lies every day. I believe that I will be alone, that I will be unhappy, that I will fail at the things most important in life, that I cannot change the world, that I am a disappointment, and that I am undesirable to both my God and the people around me. I believe I am powerless and unworthy and that this brokenness inside of me will never be overcome. I let insecurities control me, rendering me silent and still.
Every day is a battle. This is a war we are in, isn't it? I am thankful that the grace of God reaches farther and deeper than the darkness inside me, and in quiet moments He calms me and speaks to me and enables me to stand again. He has claimed me and He is equipping me to live in the Truth. I am thankful for the reminders that often I am too weak or stubborn to rest in. And I know that although I at times fail to believe it, I will overcome, because I fight from victory, not simply for it.
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"Yet still I belong to you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny." - Psalm 73:23-24
"The Lord will work out his plans for my life--for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever." - Psalm 138:8
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