Damaged and Regretful (Aren't We All?)

I am currently sitting in Starbucks enjoying a triple-shot, extra-hot grande white mocha while sitting next to Allen, my really cool little brother. It’s been an interesting morning! I have enjoyed the extra sleep and the chance to have a purely lazy day. I have been wanting a chance to get away and write, and today’s weather brought along the perfect opportunity.

I’ve been so unmotivated and uninspired lately. I haven’t written anything of substance in months, and I have a hard time breaking out of that. But today I am encouraged to try. Lately I have been thinking a lot about the ways people unintentionally hurt each other, and the way that shapes us as people. Insecurities, fears, and so many other personal weaknesses are usually built up over time as a result of bad experiences with family members, friends, peers, or even complete strangers. People’s words, actions, reactions – they can hurt us. We are so easily damaged. Even when we try to be strong.

I have been damaged by multiple people and situations, and I have damaged people, too. Of course I never meant to, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have. I have hurt my brother, my sister, my best friends, my parents. My selfishness has ruined relationships, and my fears have kept me from healing them. Over time, no amount of selflessness can repair the damage that has been done. That is tragic, and I mourn for the times my flaws have hurt another. Often, the ways I hurt people are similar to the ways I myself have been hurt. My defenses turn into offenses, and the cycle continues. That isn’t an excuse, but it is a reason. That’s what I am coming to understand about myself.

Sometimes I think the unintentional damage brought upon by trusted loved ones is more sad than the intentional pain inflicted by cruel people. Because when someone that loves you hurts you, both parties lose. Love can never rejoice in pain, and the cut goes much deeper when it’s linked to a betrayal, an unmet expectation, or a broken connection.

There are days when I try to imagine the deepest hurts of those around me. I wonder about the hurts and fears of my brother sitting next to me, the stranger across the room reading the paper, the group of young teens across the store, the four year old girl running around, and the couple discussing politics at the next table. Somehow, I doubt I could even imagine.

This is a generation constantly searching for sincerity and safety. We are forgiving far less often than we should be, and we are not easily trusting. We are taught that openness is dangerous, and vulnerability is foolish. We know that if we expect too much, we will be let down. And we are all discouraged. At least, we all have our moments, because we’re all victims of humanity’s brokenness. We’ve all felt the sting.

The good news is that there is healing.