Developing Joy

Right now, I am in a very interesting place in my life. In the past months, so much has changed, and that's been really difficult. To top off the changes of the last six months--becoming a senior in high school, moving houses (1.5 times...), searching for a college, applying and being admitted into the University of Arkansas, and preparing for my mom's wedding--this past month has been the strangest and most difficult of all, because my boyfriend and I broke up. Steven and I dated for nineteen months, and, in many ways, he was my world. Suddenly being without that relationship has affected my life significantly, because the one thing that has been a stability throughout all this change (and even more from previous months, like the marriage of my dad in October 2008) is now absent.

This past month has been a time of deep grief, similar to March 2008, when Patrick was sent away for 18 months with no notice and no contact. Although the two situations are completely different, I can't help but compare the emotions from then to the emotions I often feel now--emotions of loss, especially unexpected loss. Initially, in both situations, the primary feeling was that of devastation. Thankfully, though, I have matured a little since my freshman year, and instead of being destroyed by my loss, I feel I am handling the situation really well. I remember the intense sadness of the second half of my freshman year, and with great relief I can say that sadness is not controlling me now. Of course my heart is broken, and I am grieving, but at the end of each day, I feel okay--truly okay, and that's just so amazing. Although some days I cry, and I'm often lonely and afraid, I don't feel beaten.

I feel like my eyes have been opened to a new world in the last two weeks. I'm starting to realize that having your life rocked and turned upside down by tragedy is more often than not a total God thing. Here, at the end of such a good thing, I am not finding anything negative...I'm finding something better than before. Definitely not easier, and still premature... but in time, truly better.

Human companionship is an excellent, fulfilling thing. Romance is awesome. Love is really desirable, and the comforts of a deep, transparent relationship are countless. Saying goodbye to such a fulfilling part of my life is not something I can do happily. But... because of God... I am able to do so joyfully. Let me explain.

I realize now more than ever that happiness is fleeting. It comes and goes as situations change. Earthly comforts let you down and leave you unprotected. When things go bad, happiness crumbles and you are left in sadness. Loneliness. Emptiness. Hopelessness. Fear. Doubt. Insecurity. But there is something greater, something that is not situational. Something that lasts and that conquerors loneliness, emptiness, hopelessness, fear, and doubt. And that is the joy given by God. It doesn't come naturally, and you have to choose to embrace it, but it is good. It is truly sustaining.

Joy is a fruit of the Spirit. You can't just pick it up on your own. As I've gone through life, I've found that you can't pick up a fruit of the Spirit without making a sacrifice in your life. It has to be developed, and I feel like that is exactly why God has put me here. I was perfectly comfortable with Steven, so much so that I subconsciously decided I didn't need God more than I already had Him. My relationship with God was at a standstill because I felt I could be sustained by growing in my relationship with Steven. I put him on a pedestal of sorts, and in retrospect I see now how that could never have worked. It wasn't that my relationship with Steven was bad, it was that my relationship with God wasn't good enough, and my attention was on Steven and not God.

Right now I have no option but to turn to God for every need, and that is painful, uncomfortable, and wonderful. Every single day I am full of thankfulness, peace, truth, and joy. I awake fallen and broken, and instantly truth begins to pour in as I welcome it. Instead of texting Steven throughout the day, I turn my thoughts heavenward. At night, instead of calling Steven, I dwell on a Bible verse or read from John Piper's Desiring God. The result has been incredible. It's slow, but it's steady, and that's enough.

"I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid." - John 14:27

This is the promise I cling to.

And I know that in time, everything will be okay. Loneliness will pass. Fear will be replaced by confident expectance. Doubt will be replaced with truth. Hopelessness will be replaced by a renewed sense of purpose. Sadness will be replaced by perfect joy.