Do Something.

There are moments, when the summer heat surrounds you and the dark night sky is clear enough for you to see hundreds of stars above you, when looking into your heart and being honest with yourself can be ridiculously painful. You must be very careful when you are alone and everything is quiet and you realize you are small -- you must be careful to occupy your mind with trivial things or pride, or you might find yourself realizing your imperfections while at the same time realizing the vastness of God and the gravity of the things He is calling you to. Be very careful, because in those moments, you are at risk of seeing that you are capable of much more than you previously thought. You are at risk of facing the truth about God, yourself, the world, and your purpose. And once a person comes to a place where they are staring face to face with the truth, their life will be ruined. I speak from experience here, because I just had one of those moments, and I sit here now with my life interrupted. Here I am, aware that everything is about to change.

I guess in all honesty, when I strip away the drama and my attempt at being poetic, it's not really about a moment. Really, it's a culmination of moments. There's nothing magical about where I am right now, but I have finally allowed myself to feel the weight of what I've been processing lately. It's exciting to speak in vague terms about "change" and "growth," because with words like that you can make yourself sound wise, and I at times convince myself in my arrogance that I'm inspiring. However, although talk makes me feel impressive, the reality makes me feel incredibly broken. Admitting you need to make changes is the easiest part of transformation. You can talk all day long about change without actually moving into action, but at the end of the day, that's nothing other than words. What really sucks is when your conviction reaches a point where you actually have to start moving forward and letting go of things and demanding more of yourself. Tonight, that's where I find myself, and I couldn't be more terrified.

I am terrified that unless I stop reading the Word, stop praying, stop paying attention to the world's needs, and stop engaging in conversation with other believers, I will become convinced that the work of God is worth dropping and forsaking everything to pursue. This concept of abandoning things and running in a direction opposite of my comfortable version of the American dream is plaguing me. Each day I realize more and more the lust I have for luxury , the faith I lack, the power I reject, the disgusting tolerance I have for injustice, the disobedience I try to justify. I am seeing for the first time that it's not enough for me to simply live a good life and love God, that I'm called to live a radical life of loving God and people not just in word but with my hands and my feet and my mouth, every day. I am realizing that American Christianity doesn't have all the answers and that it isn't doing everything right. I am realizing, regrettably at times, that God is not especially concerned with my comfort or making provisions for my flesh's desire for pleasure.

This is a difficult, painful, frustrating, terrible, beautiful place to find myself. I finally see that in order to change the world, you have to do more than think good thoughts and have good intentions. I'm seeing that being a person who says these things and lives a life that matches up with my words involves living sacrificially, giving generously, encouraging uninhibitedly, and possibly even going indefinitely. It means letting go of what I've considered "rights" for all my life, downgrading my standard of living, refusing to pursue pleasure over purpose, and being obedient even when I don't know where it's going to take me. It means taking my security out of the world and out of myself and placing it in God alone. It means that and so much more.

Under the clear night sky, my heart weights heavy. I can no longer write or speak these things without taking steps to strip away the parts of me that inhibit me from joyfully serving God with everything in me. It's time to lay down some idols, like money, relationships, success, comfort, entertainment, among other things. It's time to do something instead of just saying something.

This is going to get interesting.