The Purpose and Benefit of Suffering

My favorite verse in the entire Bible is Romans 8:28--"For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love God, who are called according to His purposes." It offers me a simple, profound assurance that no matter what, it's going to be okay. Not only will it be okay, it will be good.

But, like every other human being in this world, I have moments of weakness in which I doubt the goodness of the destination at the end of my road. I have moments of significant fear and worry. I have moments when the suffering seems to be too much and with no end in sight. I have moments when I feel my suffering is in vain, purposeless. In these moments, I feel my faith wavering, and there is a great temptation to withdraw from God and hide inside myself.

However, in the past few weeks, I've felt really empowered to do something different. In the midst of a very difficult time in my life, I have been given the ability to, instead of shrink under the pain, seek and find strength in God's truth. It has required me to, in several ways, change parts of my every day life, because it is through a new way of handling myself in suffering that I am able to see hope and hold on to the truth of Romans 8:28. Every day I have to choose to crawl to God instead of allowing my mind and heart to be filled with darkness and despair.

As I have sought to find peace in the midst of my trouble, I feel I have come to understand a huge part of the purpose and benefit of human suffering:

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know they are good for us -- they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation. And this expectation will not disappoint us" (Romans 5:3-4).

"Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy..." (James 1:2)

Basically, what I see in these verses is that suffering is necessary to bring us into the fullness of joy. As Switchfoot puts it, "the shadow proves the sunlight." Suffering is beneficial because, not only does it strengthen us and mature us, it leads us to true satisfaction in God and the expectation which will "not disappoint us." So much pain comes from disappointment in earthy things--not even sinful things, necessarily. Earthly securities, relationships, and pleasure disappoint us, and it is through these disappointments we are able to embrace something which will never, ever disappoint us. It can, and will sustain us. Every day. Even when it's hard. Even when it hurts.

According to John Piper, suffering is "governed by God for the purifying of our faith." I find this especially true in my life right now. In my desperation I reach out to God like I never would (never could) in happiness and comfort.

"Of late God has been pleased to keep my soul hungry almost continually, so that I have been filled with a kind of pleasing pain." - David Brainerd

Cool thought of the day: "All who cast themselves on God find that they are carried into endless joy...' - John Piper, Desiring God

There Is a War Inside Me; It's Beautiful

"It's strange how knowledge changes perception." Famous romance writer Nicholas Sparks wrote those words in his book Dear John, which has just recently become a motion picture. I read it a few days before the movie came out, and I found this quote sincerely thought provoking, despite the book's totally unrealistic plot. While I don't believe you can fall in love in two weeks (as the book implies), I do believe the truth of this statement. Knowledge does change perception. Knowledge changes a lot.

But so often it's easier to cling to what you feel rather than what you know. Sometimes it's easier to just sit inside the lie, because fighting for the truth is unnatural and exhausting. Knowledge does change perception; at least, it should.

But sometimes it doesn't. Because sometimes we refuse to embrace truth. Sometimes we are too tired to fight, to resist, to believe. I find this very sad, but very true. Every day is a battle. At times every moment is a battle. Life is a battle for the mind.

It's important to recognize that the lies come from an enemy and that we are naturally weak against the enemy's attacks. The only way we can win is to choose to change our perception based on knowledge--the knowledge of God's power, goodness, and plan. We can, and must choose to think differently--to think based on what we know about God's character and intentions for our lives. We must choose to see and to embrace hope, joy, and purpose. We must choose to dismiss doubt, fear, hopelessness, sadness, and worry the very moment they enter our minds and in the same moment we must cling to what is true. In order to experience life as it is designed to be experienced, we must reject the enemy's whispers. Dallas Willard said, "To serve God well we must think straight; and crooked thinking, unintentional or not, always favors evil." Because of this, we must "take captive every thought" (2 Corinthians 10:5), "be transformed by the renewing of our minds" (Romans 12:2), and then believe and experience that "the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace" (Romans 8:6).

One powerful truth in my life is that God is not going to let it stop hurting too soon. He is not going to heal me before suffering has truly taught me, before it has created in me perseverance and dependence on Him. We will keep me weak until I have stopped seeking my own strength. He will allow the suffering until it has taken its perfect effect. And that doesn't make Him hateful. It shows me His greatness, because He is willing to let me endure the pain temporarily so that in the long term I may be better and stronger. He knows I am stubborn. And He is good enough to break me down. I wish it could happen over night, but I'm smart enough to know it will probably take a long time.

My heart feels surrender. I'm just waiting for it to be real. I know it isn't, not quite yet. There is more. So I will keep on trying. I will keep choosing His strength; I will keep embracing my weakness.

2 Corinthians 12:9 -- "My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness."

Developing Joy

Right now, I am in a very interesting place in my life. In the past months, so much has changed, and that's been really difficult. To top off the changes of the last six months--becoming a senior in high school, moving houses (1.5 times...), searching for a college, applying and being admitted into the University of Arkansas, and preparing for my mom's wedding--this past month has been the strangest and most difficult of all, because my boyfriend and I broke up. Steven and I dated for nineteen months, and, in many ways, he was my world. Suddenly being without that relationship has affected my life significantly, because the one thing that has been a stability throughout all this change (and even more from previous months, like the marriage of my dad in October 2008) is now absent.

This past month has been a time of deep grief, similar to March 2008, when Patrick was sent away for 18 months with no notice and no contact. Although the two situations are completely different, I can't help but compare the emotions from then to the emotions I often feel now--emotions of loss, especially unexpected loss. Initially, in both situations, the primary feeling was that of devastation. Thankfully, though, I have matured a little since my freshman year, and instead of being destroyed by my loss, I feel I am handling the situation really well. I remember the intense sadness of the second half of my freshman year, and with great relief I can say that sadness is not controlling me now. Of course my heart is broken, and I am grieving, but at the end of each day, I feel okay--truly okay, and that's just so amazing. Although some days I cry, and I'm often lonely and afraid, I don't feel beaten.

I feel like my eyes have been opened to a new world in the last two weeks. I'm starting to realize that having your life rocked and turned upside down by tragedy is more often than not a total God thing. Here, at the end of such a good thing, I am not finding anything negative...I'm finding something better than before. Definitely not easier, and still premature... but in time, truly better.

Human companionship is an excellent, fulfilling thing. Romance is awesome. Love is really desirable, and the comforts of a deep, transparent relationship are countless. Saying goodbye to such a fulfilling part of my life is not something I can do happily. But... because of God... I am able to do so joyfully. Let me explain.

I realize now more than ever that happiness is fleeting. It comes and goes as situations change. Earthly comforts let you down and leave you unprotected. When things go bad, happiness crumbles and you are left in sadness. Loneliness. Emptiness. Hopelessness. Fear. Doubt. Insecurity. But there is something greater, something that is not situational. Something that lasts and that conquerors loneliness, emptiness, hopelessness, fear, and doubt. And that is the joy given by God. It doesn't come naturally, and you have to choose to embrace it, but it is good. It is truly sustaining.

Joy is a fruit of the Spirit. You can't just pick it up on your own. As I've gone through life, I've found that you can't pick up a fruit of the Spirit without making a sacrifice in your life. It has to be developed, and I feel like that is exactly why God has put me here. I was perfectly comfortable with Steven, so much so that I subconsciously decided I didn't need God more than I already had Him. My relationship with God was at a standstill because I felt I could be sustained by growing in my relationship with Steven. I put him on a pedestal of sorts, and in retrospect I see now how that could never have worked. It wasn't that my relationship with Steven was bad, it was that my relationship with God wasn't good enough, and my attention was on Steven and not God.

Right now I have no option but to turn to God for every need, and that is painful, uncomfortable, and wonderful. Every single day I am full of thankfulness, peace, truth, and joy. I awake fallen and broken, and instantly truth begins to pour in as I welcome it. Instead of texting Steven throughout the day, I turn my thoughts heavenward. At night, instead of calling Steven, I dwell on a Bible verse or read from John Piper's Desiring God. The result has been incredible. It's slow, but it's steady, and that's enough.

"I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid." - John 14:27

This is the promise I cling to.

And I know that in time, everything will be okay. Loneliness will pass. Fear will be replaced by confident expectance. Doubt will be replaced with truth. Hopelessness will be replaced by a renewed sense of purpose. Sadness will be replaced by perfect joy.