I'm sitting in my bed and I can't shake this incredible feeling of nausea in the pit of my stomach. I'm not sick physically, but I can't say the same for the other aspects of my life. It truly is amazing to me how much my emotions can affect the rest of me.

I definitely didn't expect to be here a year ago. Honestly, I didn't expect to be here a month ago. It's crazy how fast things change, how things you felt so sure of can collapse right under you and leave you devastated, confused, and completely aimless. That's exactly where I am right now. I feel a powerful emptiness inside me, and it's crippling. As I get older, various disappointments in my life seem to cary more weight, and I experience pain at higher degrees each year it seems. I can't say that my life's not blessed, because it is. But I can't say I'm happy, either. In fact, I've never been further from happy. I don't understand it, but the paradox of my life right now seems to be that I live a blessed life many would die for, but I feel miserable. I know things don't work out and that all things work for our good. I know sometimes we need moments of pain to bring us closer to Christ and to remind us that we aren't in control. But over the last year I have simply been overwhelmed by just how many low points I have had to face, how many disappointments have slammed into me and stolen my breath. And every time I stabilize, another wave crashes over me and I lose my footing.

Coming home for the holidays means answering a lot of questions -- "Hey, how have you been?! How's college? Have you made a bunch of friends? Are you and that guy still together?" I wish I could answer all of these questions with a genuine smile. Instead, I push through it and wait for the chance to escape and get away from everyone I just lied to. The truth is, I'm doing terribly. I hate where I am. I feel alone all the time, and the relationships I poured myself into didn't work out for reasons even I don't understand. I have no vision for where I want my life to go. The things I hope for feel so out of reach. And I'm really not sure how much longer I can go on feeling this way. I feel crushed, heavy, broken. And I feel so messed up for feeling this way, because I know I could have it worse.

Everything inside me is screaming. And I could say a lot of wise words right now to reassure everyone that I'm doing okay and that I'll pull out of it soon, but those words would be misleading.

So, two minutes ago I was almost asleep. I mean, in bed, lights out--all of it. Then, a thought entered my mind and I have to run with it. I hope this is coherent.

People all across the world want to know what is true. People want to know what is good, meaningful, real, beautiful, worth fighting for, worth dying for... worth living for. We live in a world where people are desperate for answers, solutions, direction, vision. I'm not just talking about the current era. I'm talking about the whole human race, for all of time, across and throughout all cultures. This internal desire for understanding, structure, and purpose isn't something that started recently. We aren't the first "lost generation." We aren't the first to stumble around looking for fullness all over the place, wondering where on earth we can find it. Everyone has a theory about what this life is all about, but who really has the truth? Who's living it right? Who can we look to and see and say, "Man, they have some answers. I want to know what they know. How can I get to the place where they are?"

One of the saddest things I can think of is that the answer to that question should be "the people of the Church," but it absolutely isn't. In all reality, a lot of today's "Christians" are just as lost and confused and hurting and disabled by pain as the rest of the world. People in the Church are still getting divorced, having affairs, getting addicted, collapsing under depression, struggling with feelings of purposelessness and hopelessness, and stumbling through life aimlessly just as much as today's non-believers. Sometimes, more so than we would like to admit, our lives look really similar to the lives of those we think we need to "save." And when we admit that, we can face the terrifying reality that it's not just the secular people we should be calling "lost."

Honestly, I don't think people in the Christian culture have gotten here because of a lack of desire for what is good and true. There are a lot of people in the Church with a genuine desire for a life of truth, purpose, and virtue. I think that desire is fundamental to the human configuration. But if so many Christians' failures can not be attributed to lack of desire or motivation, what on earth could be the cause of this mess? While I don't claim to have the full answer to that question by any means, I do feel like I have an idea of one of the starting points, and I would love to share my ideas with you all so you can mull it over in your mind and see where God ends up leading you with it. So let me know what you think!

The Church is made up of broken people, so it won't be perfect on this earth. That's a given. But seriously, do we not all feel, at least from time to time, that the picture of the beautiful, glory-filled Church we were raised to believe we could be a part of doesn't actually exist? I mean, is it just me? It seems like more and more each year, people are being turned off to the Church in mass amounts, disgusted by some aspect of the Church's shortcomings. Why are people offended and revolted by the Church? Let's be real for a second here--people aren't turned off to church by the Message; people are turned off by our lives long before they even really hear the Message. That's because, if the Church is a representation of the life made available through the Message, in general, the Church doesn't seem to offer much more than any other organization of belief system. People look at the Church and they see a lot of people claiming to have "the answer," but who, really, aren't any more healed or happy than the next guy. Why is this? What is keeping the Christian culture, in general, from preaching and living out the most appealing message a person could ever hear? (Please know I am speaking in generalities here... I know there are tons of people living it right...).

There could be a million different answers to this question. However, the one my heart is most burdened with at the moment is this: The devastating reality is that, in this day and age, Christianity has largely been reduced to a system of ideals with very little practical action leading people into something different. It seems to me like a lot of Christian groups are limited to being a number of people who simply agree about the way things "should be" but who don't actually have any direction on how to get there. Sometimes, "Christians" don't even have the intentions to get there. It's as if, out of laziness, fear, lack of direction, or etc., etc., the Church isn't actually taking people out of darkness and in to light, at least not on the scale that it should be. I know God is doing a mighty work through some churches and that His Church is honestly full of incredible potential and tons of true, heartfelt, obedient and passionate believers. But as a whole... the world isn't looking at the Church in awe. The world sees a lot more failures, hypocrites, and "Pharisees" in the Church than it sees transformed, joyful, purposeful, obedient servants of a great King.

Here's what I am trying to get at (and I'm sorry it's been so round-about). In 2 Timothy 1:7, we are told that the Spirit of a believer should be that of "power, love, and self-discipline." And, honestly, that is not the spirit portrayed by the Church today. If I had to describe the Church in three words, I would absolutely not say, "powerful, loving, and self-disciplined." And I don't think very many non-believers would pick those, either. This is a significant problem, and this right here is one of many reasons why people aren't being drawn into God's community like they should be. So many people in the Church aren't living out their calling, and it's crippling the image of the Lord's Bride. So many people are living powerlessly, trapped in the same sin and lack of action as the people of the world. So many people live selfishly and absent of radical, sacrificial love. So many people are living without discipline, and therefore without the glorious traits given to those who pursue the Lord in disciplined obedience. And until people, and I mean A LOT of people, rise up and commit themselves fully to living with these spiritual attributes, granted to us and demanded from us by God, the Church is going to continue to claim to have all the answers, but with only a small crowd willing to listen. Because, like I said before, people are looking for something real. People want the Truth, but they are hesitant to believe because so few "Christians" are actually getting it. And this has got to change. The Church has got to become more than a group of people with incredible ideals. The Church has got to start doing something. Christians need to start allowing themselves to be radically healed and filled with power. Christians needs to start really loving people, at home and across the globe, in tangible, drastic ways. Christians need to stop being so lazy and pursue discipline in every aspect of their lives. Why? Because that is the true Christian life. Anything less falls short, and anything less will fail to attract, captivate, and liberate the people searching for truth and meaning.

The Church is full of potential. What on earth are we waiting for? We aren't even happy living our half-obedient lives. We want the full truth and full purpose just as much as everyone else, but we're fooled in to thinking we've got it all figured out, that this half-life can in some way be fulfilling and pleasing to God. But you know, it can't. So let's get up and do something different. Let's seek and embrace power. Let's love people so much that it hurts (lets give away our stuff and our money and our time... I'm not just talking about some feeling). Let's start actually getting disciplined, and let's see where that takes us.

My guess is, it will change our lives. Maybe it will even change the world.

Trust and Our Upset Plans

Today was my last day of high school. I was surrounded by sentiments and sentimental people, and it was exciting, but I have to admit my mind was absolutely not present today because my thoughts were somewhere else entirely. As students cried, teachers spoke, and people said goodbye, my mind was completely preoccupied with other thoughts. Today I have been in a sort of constant conversation with God about something I have never really spent a lot of time thinking about until today. And although the timing was weird, I appreciate Him keeping me distracted because my spirit feels very full as I write this.

Most people who know me understand that I love making plans. I am very rarely without a sense of direction, and as a heavily future-oriented person, I am not one to live in the moment. I am very intentional and very in tune with knowing what I want. And if I want something, I have a specific plan for how I see myself attaining it. This is the way I am wired. I do not expect things to just happen to me. I often figure that if something is going to happen, it's up to me to make it happen. I am a doer.

People who know this about me also probably know that I am incredibly confident in my plans. If I wasn't confident about them, they wouldn't be my plans. It's not that my plans are flawless; it's just that I am very confident in them. I feel very strongly about the things I intend to do and the things I trust to be good. When I have a plan and when I am executing a plan, I am happy. When I don't have a plan, I feel insecure and unstable. When I don't have a plan I feel out of control, and I despise feeling out of control, because I seem to believe that if I'm not in control, things will not turn out the way I want them to.

That being said, I can now begin to describe the things God was pounding into me today.

Today I felt like God was asking me to let go of my need for control. I felt like he was telling me to stop trusting my plans more than I trusted Him. I felt like He was telling me that the plans I make, whether they be based on logic, emotions, desire, or anything else, are becoming idols in my life. I felt like He was saying I should be neither surprised nor disappointed when He intervenes and disrupts my plans because my sight is severely limited. It was like He was saying, "You don't know what you need. You don't know what you want. You do not know what will satisfy. You do not know your purpose. I do. So follow me, and know that wherever I lead you will be what you need and want, what will satisfy you and leave you feeling purposeful. Your plans and your paths will not lead you there unless you submit those plans and paths to Me every day, so that I may make them and not you."

So often when things don't work out according to my plans, I feel upset and hopeless. When relationships fall, I get scared. When opportunities close, I feel limited. When a desired blessing does not come my way, I question God's goodness and provision. When my plans don't pan out, I feel I have failed, and honestly, sometimes I feel like God has failed. Either that or He is simply dishing out some sort of punishment or suffering. But today I have been thinking about it in a totally different light, and it's weird and, honestly, rather life-changing.

Nearly everyone in the scriptures that was called to follow Jesus was pulled from their plans and paths. This is because Jesus does not settle for simply aiding us in achieving our short-sighted goals and desires. When people truly follow Jesus, when they enter into a relationship with Him, He changes things, upsets their sense of direction, and asks for complete control. He asks them to trust Him and He promises to bless them if they do.

Sometimes it is hard to trust God, and I imagine it must have been hard to trust Jesus from time to time. It's hard to trust these guys because they always seem to ask that you let go of the things that make you feel secure and safe. Jesus asked people to leave their homes, their families, their lifestyles, their riches, their jobs, etc. Jesus asked people to let go of control and plans and security and the things they thought they were sure of. And that's scary. But, you know, Jesus did not ask this just to be mean or difficult. Jesus asked this (demanded this) because He knew there was something better that the people around Him could not yet see. He knew that if they followed their plans and stuck to the things they were "sure of," they would miss something great. And I think the same is true for us today. I think it's true for me today. God "messing up" my plans is not a punishment... It is a loving intervention, a blessing greater than I could ever imagine. Because He knows more than I do, even about myself and the things that will satisfy me.

I think one of the greatest purposes of Satan is to generate in Believers a feeling of distrust in God's leadership. I think Satan loves making us feel confident and secure in our plans so that we will be more likely to trust our own set out plans than the mysterious and often "illogical" leadership of God. When we cling to our plans more than we cling to the goodness and lovingness and God and the sureness of His perfect plan, we miss things God has for us. We miss them because we are afraid and because we want to be in control.

I think this bring up a very important difference between a person who believes in Christian theology and a person who is in a living relationship with God. You cannot trust God if you don't know Him, because if you're just accepting theology, you don't know God's goodness, wisdom, love, etc. You can't trust Him to get you somewhere better than you can get yourself unless there is a relationship in which you are constantly being reminded and further convinced of His ability to satisfy your soul and lead you into a life of perfect purpose and joy. It's not enough to believe in God and His character. In order to really get it, you have to allow yourself to fall in love with God and with Jesus. It is in doing this that a)your plans will be greatly shaken, and b) you will find a life richer than anything you could ever imagine.

Proverbs 19:21 -- "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

Provers 16:9 -- "A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps."

Proverbs 3:6 -- "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths."

Everything Is Uncertain, But That's Okay

Everything in my life is changing. It's incredible and terrifying. I feel like right now so much is ending, and so much is about to begin. A new life is right before me, and I have literally no clue what it's going to look like. There are a hundred things I want and hope for, and of course I have plans and a direction set out, but I have this overwhelming sense that my life isn't in my own hands at this moment. I don't have control. I don't have certainty. It's frightening. But it is also liberating, because I know my life is in the hands of One so much wiser than I.

My humanity is screaming in fear and impatience, but by the grace of God there is also a gentle assurance surrounding me that no matter what happens, it's going to be okay. In fact, it will be more than okay. It will be good--truly good. This unconditional trust is something new in my life and it's something I don't fully understand yet. But I am unwaveringly thankful for this conviction and confidence in the One who is writing the story of my life. I am not my own; I have been made new. This life is His. I am learning to recognize that my disappointments are simply stepping stones to the beauty before me which I cannot yet see. And I am learning to recognize that the joyous things which exceed my expectations and fill me with hope and gladness are to be seen as purposeful, not simply pleasurable. I am learning to reject my tendency to simplify and make selfish every occurrence in my life. The things happening are building me and molding me. I shall not reject what comes my way, and I shall not cling to anything tighter than I should, because I know so much is temporary.

Never in my life have I been more convinced of God's goodness and sovereignty than the last few months. It is truly overwhelming. Moments of fear and anxiety are covered by whispers of hope and prompting to draw near in prayer. Moments of excitement are becoming reminders of God's incredible desire to bless us and make us aware of His abundant glory. Sunsets are becoming a sign of God's creativity and beauty, and new opportunities are a reminder that God will not be closed in or limited by the few roads we perceive as possible. It's like in all things God is saying, "Who but I can destruct or construct anything?" All that falls passes through God's hands, and all that is good is a blessing and a gift. And all things, whether they be painful or overwhelming satisfying, are given to us in deep, perfect, unwavering, beautiful love. Nothing is wasted, and nothing is meaningless.

As life unfolds before me and I enter into a new part of my existence on this earth, I will walk in the sureness that the Lord is holding me and guiding me through every single moment. I will reject hopelessness. I will reject fear. I will reject frustration birthed by lack of control. I will trust, and I will love.

Nothing can happen to me but what God has deemed necessary and beneficial for my development into a woman deeply in love with Himself. This is who I was born to be, and I will not stray from this journey leading me there.

Everything is going to be okay. In fact, in time, everything will be good.

Truth and Lies

A natural part of human imperfection is the difficultly we have finding and believing the truth. Since the beginning of time we have found ourselves coming up with questions and desperately seeking answers, but not everyone comes to the same conclusions. Therefore, someone must be wrong, and someone must be right. Sometimes a part of human life is falling for and believing lies--lies from other people, lies from ourselves, and lies from the great deceiver.

But for those who desire truth and constantly seek it, life becomes about taking up truth as you find it and become convinced by it. We find new truths through experience, education, revelation, etc. When we invest ourselves in processes that result in gaining knowledge, we are working towards breaking our chains of ignorance and false belief. We develop what we know of truth, and we strive for fuller freedom. It is our right, and our duty, to pursue this freedom.

I am a person deeply passionate for truth and understanding. I love to develop my perception of significant truths, and I also love gaining simple knowledges. While ignorance can be bliss, I truly do believe the truth sets people free. However, I will also admit that sometimes I am terrified by certain truths. I think a lot of people are, to be honest. Some might not acknowledge it, but it’s definitely a fact in the lives of many individuals.

People fear truth that demands a change of lifestyle. I say this because if truth was really considered to be truly freeing and beneficial, people would be much more desperate in their search for truth and understanding than most Christians are, especially regarding their faith and obedience to God. If people deeply believed there was an infinitely complex but personal and knowable God who was the ultimate source of truth, would they not seek Him earnestly and consistently? If I deeply believed that, would I not seek Him earnestly and consistently?

This is where my fear of certain truths comes in. I do believe God is complex but knowable, the ultimate source of truth and goodness. But I do not always pursue Him with fervor. Why? Because I know that if I pursue Him, truth will be relieved to me, and almost certainly I will be called to change parts of my life as a result of the new truth imparted to me. So sometimes I settle for the imperfect perception truth that I currently hold. I become unmotivated to do what we are commanded to do--to “study the Book of the Law continually,” to “meditate on it day and night so you may be sure to obey all that is written in it” (Joshua 1:8). And I choose to cling to the lie that I may be obedient and successful without developing this particular discipline. This is a lie whispered from the lips of the enemy. And so many Christians, young and old, have fallen into belief of this lie, unaware that they are lovingly clinging to their shackles and rejoicing in their ability to walk through life comfortably.

This is another fact about me: I am a person deeply passionate for my own comfort. I pursue comfort relentlessly, at times. One of my favorite things to do is pursue my comfort. I do it all the time, even subconsciously. I don’t even have to think about it. I don’t have to put any thought into sacrificing my pursuit truth and purpose, or my obedience to God, for my comfort’s sake; I do it naturally. This is one of many tragedies caused by humanity’s sinfulness.

The good news is that even when I am too weak and foolish to desire my own freedom in truth, God is still dedicated to that freedom. It is in and through Him that I, and you, are granted the strength to pursue our freedom and enter into a deeper understanding and love of God, resulting in glory, satisfaction, joy, and fullness. Isn’t that awesome?

The Hardest Thing To Lose

I believe one of the hardest things to lose is trust. It's painful when you can't feel certain in a person's motives, actions, or character, when before, you were positive you knew them. You knew you were safe in them. It's a sad reality that sometimes, people change. And it's even sadder that sometimes they were never who you thought they were.

The Struggle for Joy is a Struggle for Perspective

One of the most obvious signs of human depravity is the struggle for satisfaction and joy. Even for people who have dedicated their lives to serving and knowing God, there is still a constant battle for peace. Even when you know the promises of God, your heart is still prone to devastation, fear, sadness, worry, and disbelief. This is because the lies of Satan are being constantly and cleverly whispered to our spirits--through the media, through our own sinfulness, through broken circumstances. It's so easy to lose the battle against the enemy when you are not filling your heart and mind with the truth with equal aggression. I so often forget Satan is continually and skillfully seeking to break my spirit. I fail to realize I have to choose--again and again, day after day, moment after moment--to embrace and surrender to a heavenly perspective.

Happiness is dependent on circumstances. Joy is dependent on perspective.

I think many Christians have an incomplete understanding of joy. It's common to view joy as a sort of "happiness on steroids" type thing, but when I really think about it, I feel sure that can't be true. It can't be that simple. Christians are called to have joy in the midst of suffering, but to simply be really happy in the midst of devastating circumstances isn't biblical. We know that Christ himself felt sadness intensely, and we certainly know he suffered greatly, throughout his life (through persecution and the weight of sadness for the earth's devastation) and finally on his last days (through physical torture, relational betrayal, etc). Christ did not endure these moments happily, but he did endure them joyfully. What does that really mean?

I believe joy is the power to persevere through difficult, even devastating, circumstances by desperately clinging to a heavenly perspective on life and the things of this world. Joy is inner peace and hope based upon complete belief in the promises and goodness of God. Joy is not needing happiness to feel satisfied and purposeful in this lifetime. Joy is the heart's way of worshiping God in the midst of discomfort, uncertainty, loss, and pain. Joy is not the denial of sadness but the continual worship and glorification of God in the midst of sadness, which is inevitable on this earth.

It's tempting to see joy as a gift laid upon us without need for effort on our part. There are so many instances where I have prayed for joy, asking for God to take away a certain sadness or pain. There have been so many times when I have desired joy as a solution to the sadness. I see now that this isn't exactly what joy is. Joy is not a numbing shot or laughing gas. Joy is the belief and trust that at the end of the operation, we will one day be united with God in perfect happiness. Every sadness we may feel is temporary. In fact, everything in this life is temporary. We are called to look forward to the day we are made perfect in our union with Christ. And we can rest assured that until then, in this life on earth, there are many moments of happiness to come. Moments of sadness are opportunities to develop joy, and moments of happiness (which are also inevitable) are opportunities to rejoice and thank God with ease.

In order to live my life to its full potential, and in order to find peace in my life in the midst of trouble, I must embrace joy. And in order to embrace joy, I must cling to a heavenly perspective--a perspective which views God as sovereign, with a perfect plan for my life, and with abundant blessings to pour upon me. And I can't just do this once. I must choose this perspective every day, even, and especially, when my days seem dark.

Living a Purpose-Driven Life

There is a reason, a motivation, behind every decision in our lives, a driving force behind all the things we do.

The truth is, we are all driven by something. Sometimes it’s mysterious. Sometimes it goes unnoticed. But we would be foolish to think we could not understand what motivates our thoughts and actions, and we would be even more foolish to assume it wasn’t important.

Human beings are driven, more than anything else, by the things they desire. We are driven by our longings for love, for safety, for pleasure, security, prosperity, success, power. We are driven by the things we feel could offer us happiness. What drives us will determine our schedules, our priorities, our relationships, our opinions of ourselves and of others. We are in a constant search of satisfaction, for fullness. We want to avoid pain and find pleasure. We want, more than anything, to be happy. And this drives us.

The problem is, we aren’t sure how to make ourselves happy. Especially at this age, life is often about searching for the answers that might offer us certain happiness. We look for happiness in all kinds of things, many of them not bad. We look for happiness in popularity, dating relationships, “a good time,” academic or extracurricular success, money and materials, and dozens of other things. We each enjoy different things, and we find happiness differently from person to person. What is similar between us, though, is the search. We are all looking for something to satisfy us. That’s not wrong.

But sometimes I wonder if it’s working. With my best attempts and purest intentions, the things I find happiness in always seem to fail me. Relationships fall apart. Money doesn’t last. Security falls in the face of fear and trials. Sadness and pain creep in, and I feel lost. The things I hold most dear let me down. And I wonder if there’s something more.

We are driven by our desire for happiness. We want life to be worthwhile. According to John Piper, this motivation is not something to be criticized. No Christian would disagree that God’s intentions for His people are that of glory and peace. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you, plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” The Lord desires us to be happy just as much as we ourselves long for happiness. God will never discourage a believer from seeking true happiness.

And here is the problem in our search. Often, our way of seeking happiness will not lead to the correct destination. The Lord takes no pleasure in watching His children stumble around in the darkness, trying to fill themselves with fleeting temporary pleasures. God does not desire His children settle for the pleasures of this earth. True, perfect satisfaction is possible. But in order to find it, we must be willing to take on a new perspective.

In 1941, C.S. Lewis spoke these words in a sermon:

“If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, I submit that this notion... is no part of the Christian faith. Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

Seeking true happiness is a noble, even righteous, journey. But the journey will be in vain if a person searches for such happiness outside of Christ. We were created with a purpose--yes, to serve God, but even before that--to love and enjoy God. You cannot please God or serve God without loving Him, and you are missing the point of life if you are not enjoying Him. When asked what your purpose on this earth is, you might be tempted to answer that your purpose is to lead people to Christ or to live a life serving God. Please do not hear me calling this worthless tasks, but also, please do not be deceived into thinking this is your ultimate purpose. Your purpose is to find perfect, glorious, life-sustaining joy and satisfaction in God through a relationship with Him.

Sometimes it seems as if the dominant question lurking within our souls in the question of whether or not we were created with a divine purpose. However, the question should not be whether or not we were designed with a purpose. The question should be, and is, whether or not we see the benefit in laying down our own agendas to serve that purpose and to find a happiness far deeper than we ever knew was possible. Seeking the pleasures of earth and believing it will make you truly happy is like collecting pennies from a fountain when you have millions to collect at the bank.

Life is painful. It is not easy, and it is not always comfortable. Sometimes life is tragic, and life is always broken. But, despite these things, true happiness is real, available, and worth pursuing.

The Purpose and Benefit of Suffering

My favorite verse in the entire Bible is Romans 8:28--"For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love God, who are called according to His purposes." It offers me a simple, profound assurance that no matter what, it's going to be okay. Not only will it be okay, it will be good.

But, like every other human being in this world, I have moments of weakness in which I doubt the goodness of the destination at the end of my road. I have moments of significant fear and worry. I have moments when the suffering seems to be too much and with no end in sight. I have moments when I feel my suffering is in vain, purposeless. In these moments, I feel my faith wavering, and there is a great temptation to withdraw from God and hide inside myself.

However, in the past few weeks, I've felt really empowered to do something different. In the midst of a very difficult time in my life, I have been given the ability to, instead of shrink under the pain, seek and find strength in God's truth. It has required me to, in several ways, change parts of my every day life, because it is through a new way of handling myself in suffering that I am able to see hope and hold on to the truth of Romans 8:28. Every day I have to choose to crawl to God instead of allowing my mind and heart to be filled with darkness and despair.

As I have sought to find peace in the midst of my trouble, I feel I have come to understand a huge part of the purpose and benefit of human suffering:

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know they are good for us -- they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation. And this expectation will not disappoint us" (Romans 5:3-4).

"Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy..." (James 1:2)

Basically, what I see in these verses is that suffering is necessary to bring us into the fullness of joy. As Switchfoot puts it, "the shadow proves the sunlight." Suffering is beneficial because, not only does it strengthen us and mature us, it leads us to true satisfaction in God and the expectation which will "not disappoint us." So much pain comes from disappointment in earthy things--not even sinful things, necessarily. Earthly securities, relationships, and pleasure disappoint us, and it is through these disappointments we are able to embrace something which will never, ever disappoint us. It can, and will sustain us. Every day. Even when it's hard. Even when it hurts.

According to John Piper, suffering is "governed by God for the purifying of our faith." I find this especially true in my life right now. In my desperation I reach out to God like I never would (never could) in happiness and comfort.

"Of late God has been pleased to keep my soul hungry almost continually, so that I have been filled with a kind of pleasing pain." - David Brainerd

Cool thought of the day: "All who cast themselves on God find that they are carried into endless joy...' - John Piper, Desiring God

There Is a War Inside Me; It's Beautiful

"It's strange how knowledge changes perception." Famous romance writer Nicholas Sparks wrote those words in his book Dear John, which has just recently become a motion picture. I read it a few days before the movie came out, and I found this quote sincerely thought provoking, despite the book's totally unrealistic plot. While I don't believe you can fall in love in two weeks (as the book implies), I do believe the truth of this statement. Knowledge does change perception. Knowledge changes a lot.

But so often it's easier to cling to what you feel rather than what you know. Sometimes it's easier to just sit inside the lie, because fighting for the truth is unnatural and exhausting. Knowledge does change perception; at least, it should.

But sometimes it doesn't. Because sometimes we refuse to embrace truth. Sometimes we are too tired to fight, to resist, to believe. I find this very sad, but very true. Every day is a battle. At times every moment is a battle. Life is a battle for the mind.

It's important to recognize that the lies come from an enemy and that we are naturally weak against the enemy's attacks. The only way we can win is to choose to change our perception based on knowledge--the knowledge of God's power, goodness, and plan. We can, and must choose to think differently--to think based on what we know about God's character and intentions for our lives. We must choose to see and to embrace hope, joy, and purpose. We must choose to dismiss doubt, fear, hopelessness, sadness, and worry the very moment they enter our minds and in the same moment we must cling to what is true. In order to experience life as it is designed to be experienced, we must reject the enemy's whispers. Dallas Willard said, "To serve God well we must think straight; and crooked thinking, unintentional or not, always favors evil." Because of this, we must "take captive every thought" (2 Corinthians 10:5), "be transformed by the renewing of our minds" (Romans 12:2), and then believe and experience that "the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace" (Romans 8:6).

One powerful truth in my life is that God is not going to let it stop hurting too soon. He is not going to heal me before suffering has truly taught me, before it has created in me perseverance and dependence on Him. We will keep me weak until I have stopped seeking my own strength. He will allow the suffering until it has taken its perfect effect. And that doesn't make Him hateful. It shows me His greatness, because He is willing to let me endure the pain temporarily so that in the long term I may be better and stronger. He knows I am stubborn. And He is good enough to break me down. I wish it could happen over night, but I'm smart enough to know it will probably take a long time.

My heart feels surrender. I'm just waiting for it to be real. I know it isn't, not quite yet. There is more. So I will keep on trying. I will keep choosing His strength; I will keep embracing my weakness.

2 Corinthians 12:9 -- "My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness."

Developing Joy

Right now, I am in a very interesting place in my life. In the past months, so much has changed, and that's been really difficult. To top off the changes of the last six months--becoming a senior in high school, moving houses (1.5 times...), searching for a college, applying and being admitted into the University of Arkansas, and preparing for my mom's wedding--this past month has been the strangest and most difficult of all, because my boyfriend and I broke up. Steven and I dated for nineteen months, and, in many ways, he was my world. Suddenly being without that relationship has affected my life significantly, because the one thing that has been a stability throughout all this change (and even more from previous months, like the marriage of my dad in October 2008) is now absent.

This past month has been a time of deep grief, similar to March 2008, when Patrick was sent away for 18 months with no notice and no contact. Although the two situations are completely different, I can't help but compare the emotions from then to the emotions I often feel now--emotions of loss, especially unexpected loss. Initially, in both situations, the primary feeling was that of devastation. Thankfully, though, I have matured a little since my freshman year, and instead of being destroyed by my loss, I feel I am handling the situation really well. I remember the intense sadness of the second half of my freshman year, and with great relief I can say that sadness is not controlling me now. Of course my heart is broken, and I am grieving, but at the end of each day, I feel okay--truly okay, and that's just so amazing. Although some days I cry, and I'm often lonely and afraid, I don't feel beaten.

I feel like my eyes have been opened to a new world in the last two weeks. I'm starting to realize that having your life rocked and turned upside down by tragedy is more often than not a total God thing. Here, at the end of such a good thing, I am not finding anything negative...I'm finding something better than before. Definitely not easier, and still premature... but in time, truly better.

Human companionship is an excellent, fulfilling thing. Romance is awesome. Love is really desirable, and the comforts of a deep, transparent relationship are countless. Saying goodbye to such a fulfilling part of my life is not something I can do happily. But... because of God... I am able to do so joyfully. Let me explain.

I realize now more than ever that happiness is fleeting. It comes and goes as situations change. Earthly comforts let you down and leave you unprotected. When things go bad, happiness crumbles and you are left in sadness. Loneliness. Emptiness. Hopelessness. Fear. Doubt. Insecurity. But there is something greater, something that is not situational. Something that lasts and that conquerors loneliness, emptiness, hopelessness, fear, and doubt. And that is the joy given by God. It doesn't come naturally, and you have to choose to embrace it, but it is good. It is truly sustaining.

Joy is a fruit of the Spirit. You can't just pick it up on your own. As I've gone through life, I've found that you can't pick up a fruit of the Spirit without making a sacrifice in your life. It has to be developed, and I feel like that is exactly why God has put me here. I was perfectly comfortable with Steven, so much so that I subconsciously decided I didn't need God more than I already had Him. My relationship with God was at a standstill because I felt I could be sustained by growing in my relationship with Steven. I put him on a pedestal of sorts, and in retrospect I see now how that could never have worked. It wasn't that my relationship with Steven was bad, it was that my relationship with God wasn't good enough, and my attention was on Steven and not God.

Right now I have no option but to turn to God for every need, and that is painful, uncomfortable, and wonderful. Every single day I am full of thankfulness, peace, truth, and joy. I awake fallen and broken, and instantly truth begins to pour in as I welcome it. Instead of texting Steven throughout the day, I turn my thoughts heavenward. At night, instead of calling Steven, I dwell on a Bible verse or read from John Piper's Desiring God. The result has been incredible. It's slow, but it's steady, and that's enough.

"I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid." - John 14:27

This is the promise I cling to.

And I know that in time, everything will be okay. Loneliness will pass. Fear will be replaced by confident expectance. Doubt will be replaced with truth. Hopelessness will be replaced by a renewed sense of purpose. Sadness will be replaced by perfect joy.