The Purpose and Benefit of Suffering

My favorite verse in the entire Bible is Romans 8:28--"For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love God, who are called according to His purposes." It offers me a simple, profound assurance that no matter what, it's going to be okay. Not only will it be okay, it will be good.

But, like every other human being in this world, I have moments of weakness in which I doubt the goodness of the destination at the end of my road. I have moments of significant fear and worry. I have moments when the suffering seems to be too much and with no end in sight. I have moments when I feel my suffering is in vain, purposeless. In these moments, I feel my faith wavering, and there is a great temptation to withdraw from God and hide inside myself.

However, in the past few weeks, I've felt really empowered to do something different. In the midst of a very difficult time in my life, I have been given the ability to, instead of shrink under the pain, seek and find strength in God's truth. It has required me to, in several ways, change parts of my every day life, because it is through a new way of handling myself in suffering that I am able to see hope and hold on to the truth of Romans 8:28. Every day I have to choose to crawl to God instead of allowing my mind and heart to be filled with darkness and despair.

As I have sought to find peace in the midst of my trouble, I feel I have come to understand a huge part of the purpose and benefit of human suffering:

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know they are good for us -- they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation. And this expectation will not disappoint us" (Romans 5:3-4).

"Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy..." (James 1:2)

Basically, what I see in these verses is that suffering is necessary to bring us into the fullness of joy. As Switchfoot puts it, "the shadow proves the sunlight." Suffering is beneficial because, not only does it strengthen us and mature us, it leads us to true satisfaction in God and the expectation which will "not disappoint us." So much pain comes from disappointment in earthy things--not even sinful things, necessarily. Earthly securities, relationships, and pleasure disappoint us, and it is through these disappointments we are able to embrace something which will never, ever disappoint us. It can, and will sustain us. Every day. Even when it's hard. Even when it hurts.

According to John Piper, suffering is "governed by God for the purifying of our faith." I find this especially true in my life right now. In my desperation I reach out to God like I never would (never could) in happiness and comfort.

"Of late God has been pleased to keep my soul hungry almost continually, so that I have been filled with a kind of pleasing pain." - David Brainerd

Cool thought of the day: "All who cast themselves on God find that they are carried into endless joy...' - John Piper, Desiring God

There Is a War Inside Me; It's Beautiful

"It's strange how knowledge changes perception." Famous romance writer Nicholas Sparks wrote those words in his book Dear John, which has just recently become a motion picture. I read it a few days before the movie came out, and I found this quote sincerely thought provoking, despite the book's totally unrealistic plot. While I don't believe you can fall in love in two weeks (as the book implies), I do believe the truth of this statement. Knowledge does change perception. Knowledge changes a lot.

But so often it's easier to cling to what you feel rather than what you know. Sometimes it's easier to just sit inside the lie, because fighting for the truth is unnatural and exhausting. Knowledge does change perception; at least, it should.

But sometimes it doesn't. Because sometimes we refuse to embrace truth. Sometimes we are too tired to fight, to resist, to believe. I find this very sad, but very true. Every day is a battle. At times every moment is a battle. Life is a battle for the mind.

It's important to recognize that the lies come from an enemy and that we are naturally weak against the enemy's attacks. The only way we can win is to choose to change our perception based on knowledge--the knowledge of God's power, goodness, and plan. We can, and must choose to think differently--to think based on what we know about God's character and intentions for our lives. We must choose to see and to embrace hope, joy, and purpose. We must choose to dismiss doubt, fear, hopelessness, sadness, and worry the very moment they enter our minds and in the same moment we must cling to what is true. In order to experience life as it is designed to be experienced, we must reject the enemy's whispers. Dallas Willard said, "To serve God well we must think straight; and crooked thinking, unintentional or not, always favors evil." Because of this, we must "take captive every thought" (2 Corinthians 10:5), "be transformed by the renewing of our minds" (Romans 12:2), and then believe and experience that "the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace" (Romans 8:6).

One powerful truth in my life is that God is not going to let it stop hurting too soon. He is not going to heal me before suffering has truly taught me, before it has created in me perseverance and dependence on Him. We will keep me weak until I have stopped seeking my own strength. He will allow the suffering until it has taken its perfect effect. And that doesn't make Him hateful. It shows me His greatness, because He is willing to let me endure the pain temporarily so that in the long term I may be better and stronger. He knows I am stubborn. And He is good enough to break me down. I wish it could happen over night, but I'm smart enough to know it will probably take a long time.

My heart feels surrender. I'm just waiting for it to be real. I know it isn't, not quite yet. There is more. So I will keep on trying. I will keep choosing His strength; I will keep embracing my weakness.

2 Corinthians 12:9 -- "My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness."

Developing Joy

Right now, I am in a very interesting place in my life. In the past months, so much has changed, and that's been really difficult. To top off the changes of the last six months--becoming a senior in high school, moving houses (1.5 times...), searching for a college, applying and being admitted into the University of Arkansas, and preparing for my mom's wedding--this past month has been the strangest and most difficult of all, because my boyfriend and I broke up. Steven and I dated for nineteen months, and, in many ways, he was my world. Suddenly being without that relationship has affected my life significantly, because the one thing that has been a stability throughout all this change (and even more from previous months, like the marriage of my dad in October 2008) is now absent.

This past month has been a time of deep grief, similar to March 2008, when Patrick was sent away for 18 months with no notice and no contact. Although the two situations are completely different, I can't help but compare the emotions from then to the emotions I often feel now--emotions of loss, especially unexpected loss. Initially, in both situations, the primary feeling was that of devastation. Thankfully, though, I have matured a little since my freshman year, and instead of being destroyed by my loss, I feel I am handling the situation really well. I remember the intense sadness of the second half of my freshman year, and with great relief I can say that sadness is not controlling me now. Of course my heart is broken, and I am grieving, but at the end of each day, I feel okay--truly okay, and that's just so amazing. Although some days I cry, and I'm often lonely and afraid, I don't feel beaten.

I feel like my eyes have been opened to a new world in the last two weeks. I'm starting to realize that having your life rocked and turned upside down by tragedy is more often than not a total God thing. Here, at the end of such a good thing, I am not finding anything negative...I'm finding something better than before. Definitely not easier, and still premature... but in time, truly better.

Human companionship is an excellent, fulfilling thing. Romance is awesome. Love is really desirable, and the comforts of a deep, transparent relationship are countless. Saying goodbye to such a fulfilling part of my life is not something I can do happily. But... because of God... I am able to do so joyfully. Let me explain.

I realize now more than ever that happiness is fleeting. It comes and goes as situations change. Earthly comforts let you down and leave you unprotected. When things go bad, happiness crumbles and you are left in sadness. Loneliness. Emptiness. Hopelessness. Fear. Doubt. Insecurity. But there is something greater, something that is not situational. Something that lasts and that conquerors loneliness, emptiness, hopelessness, fear, and doubt. And that is the joy given by God. It doesn't come naturally, and you have to choose to embrace it, but it is good. It is truly sustaining.

Joy is a fruit of the Spirit. You can't just pick it up on your own. As I've gone through life, I've found that you can't pick up a fruit of the Spirit without making a sacrifice in your life. It has to be developed, and I feel like that is exactly why God has put me here. I was perfectly comfortable with Steven, so much so that I subconsciously decided I didn't need God more than I already had Him. My relationship with God was at a standstill because I felt I could be sustained by growing in my relationship with Steven. I put him on a pedestal of sorts, and in retrospect I see now how that could never have worked. It wasn't that my relationship with Steven was bad, it was that my relationship with God wasn't good enough, and my attention was on Steven and not God.

Right now I have no option but to turn to God for every need, and that is painful, uncomfortable, and wonderful. Every single day I am full of thankfulness, peace, truth, and joy. I awake fallen and broken, and instantly truth begins to pour in as I welcome it. Instead of texting Steven throughout the day, I turn my thoughts heavenward. At night, instead of calling Steven, I dwell on a Bible verse or read from John Piper's Desiring God. The result has been incredible. It's slow, but it's steady, and that's enough.

"I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid." - John 14:27

This is the promise I cling to.

And I know that in time, everything will be okay. Loneliness will pass. Fear will be replaced by confident expectance. Doubt will be replaced with truth. Hopelessness will be replaced by a renewed sense of purpose. Sadness will be replaced by perfect joy.

Damaged and Regretful (Aren't We All?)

I am currently sitting in Starbucks enjoying a triple-shot, extra-hot grande white mocha while sitting next to Allen, my really cool little brother. It’s been an interesting morning! I have enjoyed the extra sleep and the chance to have a purely lazy day. I have been wanting a chance to get away and write, and today’s weather brought along the perfect opportunity.

I’ve been so unmotivated and uninspired lately. I haven’t written anything of substance in months, and I have a hard time breaking out of that. But today I am encouraged to try. Lately I have been thinking a lot about the ways people unintentionally hurt each other, and the way that shapes us as people. Insecurities, fears, and so many other personal weaknesses are usually built up over time as a result of bad experiences with family members, friends, peers, or even complete strangers. People’s words, actions, reactions – they can hurt us. We are so easily damaged. Even when we try to be strong.

I have been damaged by multiple people and situations, and I have damaged people, too. Of course I never meant to, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have. I have hurt my brother, my sister, my best friends, my parents. My selfishness has ruined relationships, and my fears have kept me from healing them. Over time, no amount of selflessness can repair the damage that has been done. That is tragic, and I mourn for the times my flaws have hurt another. Often, the ways I hurt people are similar to the ways I myself have been hurt. My defenses turn into offenses, and the cycle continues. That isn’t an excuse, but it is a reason. That’s what I am coming to understand about myself.

Sometimes I think the unintentional damage brought upon by trusted loved ones is more sad than the intentional pain inflicted by cruel people. Because when someone that loves you hurts you, both parties lose. Love can never rejoice in pain, and the cut goes much deeper when it’s linked to a betrayal, an unmet expectation, or a broken connection.

There are days when I try to imagine the deepest hurts of those around me. I wonder about the hurts and fears of my brother sitting next to me, the stranger across the room reading the paper, the group of young teens across the store, the four year old girl running around, and the couple discussing politics at the next table. Somehow, I doubt I could even imagine.

This is a generation constantly searching for sincerity and safety. We are forgiving far less often than we should be, and we are not easily trusting. We are taught that openness is dangerous, and vulnerability is foolish. We know that if we expect too much, we will be let down. And we are all discouraged. At least, we all have our moments, because we’re all victims of humanity’s brokenness. We’ve all felt the sting.

The good news is that there is healing.

Sin and How We're Wrong About It

Last week in church I heard this really great statement that I felt the need to write down and memorize and live by until I realized it as really wrong.

How does this sound? "The ability to know God is found when we step out of self." Oooh, epic. Sounds real deep. I wrote it down, but I've been thinking about it, and in the past week I've only grown to hate this sentence. I think it's quite churchy and kind of shallow and simple-sighted.

I've been thinking about sin, what it really is. I think sin is one of the most misunderstood/misrepresent

ed ideas ever, next to love. In church, we learn that certain things are sins -- lying, cussing, lusting, being jealous, skipping church, staying up past bedtime (I'm screwed), etc., but I feel like the Church is missing what sin actually is, forgetting that it's not a list. Sin isn't just certain things -- ideas or actions. Sin is our very nature. It's not so much that hate is a sin as hate is just...sinful. And it seems the same, but if you think about it, it isn't.

Does any one else feel like sometimes sin is presented as something we can avoid? It's as is we're told that as long as we don't x, y, and z, we can live without sin and be holy. But no, that's a joke. Sin isn't a list -- sin is our hearts, our minds, our eyes and ears and mouths and all of it. Sin is simply anything that goes against the good and perfect directional will or nature of God. Sin is anti-God, or even more-so, it's a thought or breath naturally absent of God. It's with us at birth, and we take it to the grave. It is inevitable (Can I say that?).

Holiness isn't a checklist, either. It's so much bigger and more beautiful than that.

This is where that statement comes into the picture, and it bothers me. "The ability to know God is found when we step out of self." This sentence, if it ever wanted to reach some kind of accuracy, would need to be butchered. You could go about it a few different ways. The first thing that bothers me about it is that it seems to suggest that we have the ability to "step out of self," when we don't. We are not capable of beating our own devastation independently. If we were able to draw near to God through ourselves, we would not need a savior. But the point is that we are sinful and that keeps us from being able to draw near. So the first thing that I would change is that last bit.

Then I would go right back and just drop the last bit completely, because it's not needed. And then I would change the verb "found" to "given" and put a cute little period on the end.

"The ability to know God is given." By God. To us. We can't do it, or find it, by ourselves. We can't get past our nature. We are sin. That never changes. It's just potentially beatable because God is that awesome, that able.

"Expect the Unexpected"

"Expect the unexpected." People always say this like it's some kind of amazing philosophical statement, but I'm pretty sure it's just a nicer way of saying, "Realize nothing works out exactly as you think it should." Life is pretty much not what we think it should be. Goodbyes don't last long enough, hellos are more awkward than we want them to be, people get married, boys don't come back home, you get sick at inconvenient times, bridges are closed, you fall asleep and end up missing something, you meet someone new and even better, you end up liking Spring even more than Fall, pain heals, and you start wanting different things. And it's okay. It works out, because in the end, every morning you wake up is another day that you're alive, and all it takes is breath for life to go on. And that ends up meaning just enough.

I've been feeling desperate for summer for several weeks now, but now that summer is here, I still feel a little desperate, but I'm not sure what that means. I know I wasn't just waiting for school to end. I was hoping that once it did, life would feel a little more right, but that doesn't happen over night, apparently. So much is uncertain right now, which I'm starting to be okay with. I'm trying to grow in to this idea of a life uncontrollable. I'm trying to grasp that whatever I think will happen is probably not going to, because I spend so much time analyzing the details but missing the big picture, and then the details don't add up and I get confused, because hey, I planned everything flawlessly. But it doesn't happen that way. It's okay, Niki, it's okay. It has to be. You'll still wake up in the morning.

There are certain things I expected of this summer, certain things I still expect. But already I realize summer won't be like I thought it would be. People that I thought might be important won't be, and others will be. Interests are dropped. Opportunities come and go. I change my mind. That's life, and this is it.

I guess I expect the unexpected.

A Woman Not Ready

It was dark when she heard the news
From a mouth on a face on a man on a couch
Putting two and two came as a surprise
And a few weeks later it's still wrong in her mind

She withdrew and people noticed but
No one said anything; well, some complained
But they never really thought to ask
Or think about home

She didn't feel ready but it didn't really matter
Because it was going to happen anyway
And it seems selfish to protest such a "good thing"
But some say timing counts too

And the woman didn't know what to do
Or who to tell but a book
Which listened well but never spoke
And she couldn't sleep but no one noticed that

She sighed and stared and said "that's strange"
And in the mirror she saw a quiet girl
And she listened to the same songs
And she realized she wasn't ready but she had to get that way

Starbucks, anyone?

I've never been a a Fellowship service in my life, so I definitely can't say I know anything about the church firsthand. I know a ton of people who go there, and they seem like great people, but for some reason this new building feels strange to me. I really can't judge the people or the place or the goals, and I'm not trying to point at them negatively at all, but knowing today was the first service in the castle has made me think about some things. Maybe these things apply, maybe they don't. Doesn't matter.

I was writing in "The Journal IV" last night, and whenever that happens and I'm not at school it's pretty much stream of consciousness. I wrote about my Friday night (mentioning Andrew, Tad, and Steven), and I mentioned the new Fellowship building and then found myself writing, "The Church (the people of God) should be ashamed when they embrace excess." I saw the building with Steven a few weeks ago, and I just felt shocked. Cafes, huge TVs, lights, couches, vending machines, sound equipment, etc, etc, etc. A part of me wondered how much is necessary for teaching people about God, and how much is just...excess -- comfort items. Why are Christians not more broken by homelessness and sickness and cold and hunger on the streets? I guess we just don't think about it, because we're really comfortable in our 11a.m. services.

This is when I start to think about my own church, which is also building. We have four huge HD TVs on the stage, and all they do is sit there and show one word. It's excess. No one is drawn closer to God by the presence of nice TVs. But maybe someone would be drawn to God is we put those TVs in someone's house, or if we spent the money paying a family's rent for a month or two.

Saturday morning around 3:30a.m., I wondered what would happen if every middle class white person in America gave $10 to Africa, or China, or something. That could literally change the world forever. That would save thousands of lives. But you know, I enjoy going to Starbucks twice a week and spending those ten dollars there. I think I deserve it. You know, I even think it's necessary. Psh. Excess. Not me. Not you. Not the Church. [rolls eyes]

I was facebook-ing Craig through my blackberry while I was at Rave today watching Prince Caspian (excess conviction -- I'm down to $1 for Starbucks. Dang it.). We were talking about growing up and having jobs and money and things like that, and I made the comment that it's ironic how we go to school to get jobs and make money, but even when we have jobs and money, we are rarely happy. He said, "That's because people want more to have more, not to give more," and that's pretty much the greatest thing I've heard in a long time. It's so true, and it is so pathetic. We suck at life, that's what I think.

And what's really sad is that I still plan on going to Starbucks before school tomorrow morning for my Grande White Mocha with the non-fat milk and Allen's Hot Chocolate and Ashley's Tall no-water Chai and Dad's Grande Mocha...

Conviction runs deep, doesn't it?